I don't like who I've become.
I'm not talking about my base self, I'm still fairly happy with who I am.
But I don't like who I act like anymore.
I'm tired of being an asshole, really.
The problem is, when I stop making snide comments, I start in on the self deprecating humor. I've always hated the sort of desperation that puts into my voice.
I think it's my focus on this that's been fucking with my head so much lately.
I think so many of my cylinders are running over this problem that everything else is suffering. The only time I'm not feeling like my foot is perpetually in my mouth is when I'm swimming. I spend more and more time in the pool because I always feel good about myself while I'm doing it and right after I'm done with it.
The rest of the time I feel like shit.
And of course, today I didn't swim.
I was too busy, I really did have too many things to do, too many things that I'd put off too long because I was busy feeling sorry for myself.
I'm really not used to this.
I'm good for brief bits of self pity, but this has been going on for a couple of weeks now.
Sometimes I can't help but think I need some sort of significant other.
It's terrible, and I really don't like the idea of "needing" someone, but I really do believe I could do with the balance that would provide.
Hell, if nothing else it would give me something to actually be dramatic about.
Unfortunately.... the girls I know are interested in me wouldn't fix the problem I don't think. I like Gwen, but something doesn't feel right with her... She's too sweet maybe.
Brenna, who I think is interested... I don't think I can offer what she's looking for.
Of course the real problem here is, I'm not telling a lie when I say I'm too selfish for a relationship. Because while my deepest desire is really and truly to be the thing that someone looks forward to in a day, to the point where someone is willing to schedule things around me, I don't want to have to do the same.
I realize this makes me a pretty shitty person, and I need someone who will tell me this.
I need someone who will kick my ass and won't be afraid to spit in my face.
I need someone who can piss me off because they're right and I hate them for it.
I need someone I can learn from.
I don't want to be someone's experiment, I don't want someone who is looking at me as a concept.
I don't want someone who I always feel the need to talk around, because frankly I'm tired of carrying conversations.
I want someone.